Consequences Teach Responsibility

Sometimes the lessons have to be repeated!

My now teenage girls were having a “remember when” laughing fest after dinner last night with stories that started like this…
“Remember when Mom took away your Barbies because you were hitting me with them!”
“Yeah, remember when Mom put your recorder on top of the fridge because you wouldn’t stop playing it in the kitchen while she was on the phone.”
“Well, remember when Mom took you back to the drug store because you took that key chain she said you couldn’t buy?”
Their stories went on for nearly an hour with great laughter following each story. As I laughed with them, it became apparent that they really have learned there are consequences to their behaviors, I will follow through, they won’t like it, they will get over it, learn from it, and most often, laugh about it (years) later.

One example of consequences I have revolves around my children’s bedrooms. I don’t expect my children to keep their bedrooms neat and clean all the time. I have found as they mature they realize there is benefit to keeping it so. Today, James, my 8 year old son, discovered he didn’t have any clean pants for school, so he had to wear a pair he wore yesterday. He knows, if he doesn’t get his laundry to the laundry room, it doesn’t always get done. My daughters have learned it’s unlikely that I’ll start laundry for them after 10 PM so if they need something for the next day they better plan for it long before they go to bed. I’m not going to hound my kids daily to get their rooms cleaned, but if they want clean laundry, they have to get their dirty clothes off their bedroom floor and to the laundry room.

My daughters have discovered too, when they want a slumber party their bedroom has to be cleaned first, and I won’t ask if it is I expect it already is if they are asking. When James was planning a sleep over, the girls were quick to point out “You better get your room picked up, or Mom will cancel your sleep-over. We know. She’s done it.” They know they can’t have a friend spend the night if their room isn’t clean enough for their guest to sleep in it.

Logical consequences teach children the value of responsibility. Consequences have to fit the situation and the child. When a cell phone is misused, it is taken for a relevant amount of time. When curfew is broken, I don’t take the car away because that would impact my schedule, instead, extra errands are given or personal social events are limited. Teenagers discover the car they have is a privilege, and with it comes responsibility. When grades slip, TV and computer time are limited.

Your children will get over the momentary anger of their consequence, discover you mean what you say, and they will act differently given the situation again. (At least when they get over it they do, though some kids take a few repetitive rounds first.) And as my children grow, they really are realizing, though never in the moment of a negative consequence, there are benefits to being responsible. And I am no longer up doing laundry after 10 PM, unless it’s my own.

© 2008 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC