There Are No Strangers

Growing up, my mother never seemed to believe there were such things as "strangers." She always had (and still does) this very open heart for others. When I was 16 and we were driving home to the farm she spotted a couple resting on the side of the highway with their bicycles. Because it was blazing hot, she felt compelled to stop and check on them. But that's not all, she invited them to our home to swim, fed them dinner, and then sent Christmas cards to them for years afterward. My mother didn't know anyone who was a stranger.

So this fall, she was still at it. She walked into the SD State Book Festival at the Holiday Inn and struck up a conversation with a couple who she thought was at the Book Festival too. When she discovered they were passing through town and were planning on walking through our sculpture walk downtown, she offered to take them there, and then to the Falls (our city's namesake), and then through our historic district, and then out to dinner. She can and does talk to anyone.

Tonight I had a "mom" moment. Taking my daughter to the coffee shop I spotted a young gal carrying in a big board with drilled holes and a container of marbles. I know what those are for having grown up with one similar myself. Rather than just point it out to my daughter, I found myself engaging in a conversation with this gal and her friends.

I asked about who made the board? Her grandfather, just like mine did. What were the rules? Same as ours, and what do you call the game, "Wahoo" and that is where we differ. We called it "marbles" until we were old enough to know what the grown-ups called it; "S*@t On Your Neighbor!" It was a competitive game for our family and a big deal to try and get away with saying the adult title. Of course I shared our family title with the young adults who all laughed and decided that would be their new name. (Shame on me but oh well!) And then as we walked out, my daughter couldn't help but point out I had just had a "Grandma Jane" moment. I couldn't just walk by, I had to stop and engage these strangers in conversation.

But really, isn't that what makes life fun? Engaging with the people around us, learning about each other, sharing stories, and laughter? Our world really isn't full of strangers, just people we haven't met yet.

Celebrating Birthdays

This morning I was listening to a CD from NSA speaker George Walther. He was wonderful with the message to really live each day. George had one great idea for celebrating children's birthdays that I have to share with you. Check out his Legacy of Love for Your Lifetime Letter. It's a brilliant idea. I've often thought of audio taping stories, advice and love letters to my children on the computer that I can give them when they become adults. Haven't done it yet and I know I'll regret it if I don't get it done. Now it's on my to-do list.

A birthday tradition that started quite by accident in our home is the Birthday Banner. Years ago, the night before one of my daughter's birthday I created a banner to surprise her when she woke up. It stuck and I've continued it for years. It is the first thing my children wake up to to start their special day. I use a giant Post-It-Note used for flip charts, draw a picture of something that represents their year, celebrates their personality, or something special they want for their birthday that they are getting. The contents have included everything from frogs and cats, to bicycles and MP3's, to Mr. Incredible, Harry Potter and Yoda, and even slumber party girls and basket ball players.

I didn't realize how important these were to my children until I stopped at my oldest's 13 birthay thinking she was too old. She let me know quite quickly that the poster is the most important thing I do for them and why would I stop now! So, the tradition continues today. If I'm going to be out of town for their birthday, I make it in advance and instruct their sitter to post it for them. Each of them have kept all their posters and hang them in succession in their closet. It really is special to them. I wish that I had taken their picture each year with their banner, so if you start this tradition, add this element.

Many times I've shared the story of their birth day with them too so they know what a big day it was to us as parents. They love to be the feature of the story. My grandpa Frank used to tell me about the day I was born, where he and Grandma were at the time, what the weather was that day, and how they drove back early to SD from the ND farm because I was born. When he passed away I read his pocket calendars he kept of all his years. Everyone of us grandkids were noted on our birth day right along with what the weather was like.

The way you make your child feel special, loved, and remembered will have a longer lasting effect on them then the latest techno gadget, must have toy, or anything else. Share the special ways you celebreate your children's birthdays that they appreciate. The comment box is right below. Your idea may be just what another mother needs to validate her love for her children on their birthday.

Hurry Up Let's Go!!

You’re day is packed isn’t it? Every day has a list of places to go and things to do and tasks to complete. You pick up Emily from preschool and as you are hustling her to the car you’re saying “hurry up Em; we’ve got a lot to do today. Come on get in your seat and get the seat belt on, Max is waiting at school too.” And when you pull up at the school for son Max, he comes to the car and you’ve got your cell phone up to your ear talking away while Max piles in and in between sentences on your phone you tell him, “Jump in Max, we’ve got get cruising.’” With that he gets in the car flips on the DVD player and you’re off to what’s next on the daily schedule. You’re call continues as you drive through McDonalds for a quick bite for the kids before you have to get Max dropped off at taekwondo and Emily at dance. And, while they’re at those activities you have just enough time to stop at church and drop off the pies for the soup and pie supper. Then you’re back in the race to get each child picked up on time and home to change clothes, pick up your spouse, and head back to church for soup and pie supper. As soon as that’s accomplished, it’s back home for homework, bath time and bed time at which point you start the laundry, write out a grocery list, fill out the book order, and duck tape your son’s pants that are too long. (What, you’ve never duck taped your kid’s pants instead of hemming?)

Insert your kid’s names and their activities here and your family routine begins to look a bit crazed doesn’t it? Hey, if this is working for you, keep it up.

But I bet it’s not. Kids live what they learn. A rushed life overflowing with activities doesn’t make for a connected family. When a child hears “hurry up” constantly, they learn to live a hectic life and the underlying message is “what’s coming up is more important than the moment we’re in right now.” When a child jumps in a car, puts the DVD to occupy their minds while simply running around town, he’s learning to tune out what is going on around him. When children constantly have their parents on a cell phone while in the car, they learn that someone else is more important then they are. Is what you’re living what you want your children to think life should be?

Kids don't need to grow up thinking they are the center of your universe, but, they do need to know you believe they are important to you when you are with them. The best thing you can do is take that time in the car to talk together, sing to their CD music, and listen to each other. Live in the moment when you’re with your kids, be with your kids. If you are constantly on the go, reconsider what activities are really necessary. One year we went so far as to have an activity free year, and it was heavenly! My children learned to be creative and have fun in their own little world. We had more family time and less stress. It’s perfectly okay to say “no” to volunteering when it really doesn't match your family's needs or life style right now.

There’s a saying that goes “What you are doing speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.”

Take a deep breath, rethink how many activities your kids are in, slow down, and be present in the moment, because guaranteed, the moments will be gone before you know it.

Parenting "The Right Way"

I’ve been inspired by a group of young moms I had the privilege of spending time with recently. Inspired to take a step back and remember what it was like with little ones underfoot and on my hip. With the first child we read every book, took classes and parented with a strict force. Of course we had a passive child who responded well to all of it too. Then number two came along with a passion for life and moving in all directions and suddenly everything that worked on number one didn’t work on number two. By the time the third kid came along, we’d really mellowed.

The first time around you are so afraid of doing it wrong that it’s common to over parent; to set the bar of expectations high. Then you start to realize that it’s really okay to breathe, take some time out for yourself and know you do the best you can with what you know and when you discover something new you change. So when daughter number two complained this summer about how we let child number three “get away with everything” and the oldest chimed in too, they “had it so rough.” I let them know, the first one is the guinea pig and from there we learned to loosen the reins, that it was okay for them to stumble and figure out how to get back up and we discovered that being overly protective wasn’t necessarily in their best interest. We discovered with each child which battles were the ones worth fighting and let go of the rest.

We’re not perfect. We’re not always going to get it right. We’re doing the best we can with what we know. So basically my message to my kids was, “get over it.” You too can walk this path one day should you become a parent. And I'm telling you, you can look yourself in the mirror, pat yourself on the back and say, "I'm doing the best I can, and it's all okay .

Back to Writing

I’m back after quite a hiatus! And glad to be. I’ve been writing countless blogs in my head, they just haven’t made it to my computer. Don’t you feel that way some days, there are boatloads of ideas in your head and you just can’t get to them?

Well, I’m telling you, it’s all okay. We don’t have to do it all or be it all. So, taking a break from keeping up with my blog and Joy Builder Bulletin gave me an opportunity to think, plan, and now implement. So I’m back, ready to write and looking forward to your feedback on this journey of motherhood.

So here’s my first tip to you today. If you are a list maker and you’ve got a lot on your list every day, give up half of what’s on there. Take what’s most important, the crucial stuff, and put that on the left side of your paper and that’s all you need to do today. Take all those other things that are continuously on your list and put them on the right side of your paper. The right side is for God and the Universe to handle. Why think you should do it all? Let the Divine step in and help out. You’d be amazed at how people you’ve been trying to reach suddenly call you, your husband fills out the hockey sign up forms for your sons, the information you’ve been waiting on from the credit card company comes so you no longer have to call and hound them. It’s amazing, and it works. Besides, if you manage to get those crucial things on your list done, you can always jump to the right side and take on a few more.

Teaching Responsibility Eliminates Your Frustration

Prevent the last minute cries of “Mom I need…”

Tired of your son telling you he needs his uniform washed the morning of his game? Or your daughter telling you she needs a display board for science class tomorrow, the day you are going out of town. Or child number three tells you in the car on the way to school he needs money for his book order?

Establish a “Mom I Need” board and post it where you will all see it regularly. We post ours in the pantry on the freezer. When the kids need tennis shoes for basketball, pants hemmed, money for a field trip, or anything else, they post it on the “Mom I Need” board along with the date they need it. When I’m going to run errands, I check the board and see if there are things I need to pick up when I’m out shopping. This way too, the kids can’t ask last minute and expect it to happen in their favor.

Post a grocery list, Sam’s club or Cosco, and Target list on the fridge or a place where your family will all see it and can post their needs. If they use the last of any grocery item, they learn to list it on the grocery list or know they won’t have it next time they want it. When the copy paper for the printer is low, they list it on the Sam’s Club list. When they run out of their soap, batteries, hair spray and so on, they list it on the Target list. Tell your kids the day before you’ll be running errands so they check the list one last time to add any other items they know they need or the family needs.

It takes some time to get everyone in the habit of using these lists, but it does work. Even our nine year old will ask which list he needs to put his shampoo on when he runs out. It’s been a benefit to his spelling too because he asks how to spell the items he wants on the lists. As our teenagers are driving more and more, they often take the lists and run the errands for me.

Teach your childen to be responsible for their needs and you'll eliminate the last minute "Mom I need..." cries!

© 2008 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Parenting Pays Off!

Well the winds have shifted in the world of parenthood in our home. Child number two, 14 year old Ellen is a nanny for a couple children who haven’t grown up with many household rules, restrictions, or manners. I picked her up from work yesterday and it was all I could do not to laugh as she poured out her frustrations on the way home.

“First Daniel was spitting at the table. Then he picked a fight with Emily. And like when they went out to play they went to a neighbor’s house and I couldn’t find them. I finally found them and was so mad I told them they had to help clean the house. Mom, it was like there was stuff everywhere and they kept saying they didn’t see anything that needed picking up. And Emily walked right by a pile of her toys and didn’t even see it. Mom, they have had no expectations of them by their parents! Now I get why you and Dad had rules and expectations of us.”

And the story went on and on. By the time we got home she had unloaded every moment of the day that the children should have behaved differently and how her Dad and I would never have tolerated that in our home. The amazing last words she said as she got out of the car were “I always thought when I become a parent I wouldn’t have all the rules you and Dad do. Ha, not anymore, I get why you and Dad have rules. And I’m glad too.”

When I dropped her off at work today, the kids were outside riding their bikes. As soon as the kids saw her coming they ditched their bikes and grabbed their helmets. Guess she’s making them live by a few rules now.

All those parenting moments when I could have screamed, and okay, the times I did scream I really wondered if my kids would ever get it. And now, she has.

Kids and Laundry - it can work!

5 Tips to teaching kids how to help with laundry:

Normally I leave all the organizing ideas to my professional organizing friends; however, these are some ideas that worked for me. Keep checking in – I’ve got more mom stories coming soon!

1. Give each child a laundry basket for their room. A fold up one that divides into thee parts is perfect. This way they can learn to sort their lights, brights, and darks.
2. Give each child a lingerie zip-close bag for all their socks. If your kids wear more than one color of socks, give them two, one for lights and one for darks or colors. The socks then go through the washer and dryer all together and at sorting time, you simply hand each child their own bag to match up and put away.
3. In the laundry room, keep six baskets or two tall ones that divide into three parts. Label each one, along with washing and drying instructions for each: Darks (jeans & dark towels), dark delicates, brights, light delicates, whites (towels & underwear), and one other. For our family, one basket is dedicated just for white uniform shirts. List what can and can not go in each one.
4. Show your children how to fold the laundry and give them the opportunity to learn.
5. Take a picture of your linen closet when it is clean and orderly. Post the picture on the inside of the door so kids know where to put the towels and how it should look.

Not only have these steps helped our children learn how to manage laundry, but it’s helped my husband too. No longer are my good tennis skirts washed with jeans and towels, and sweaters are not put in the dryer on high heat and shrinking.

© 2008 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Summer Days Ahead

Do you remember summer as a kid? What did you love about summer time?

I remember freedom; unlimited time to ride bikes, climb trees, skateboard, swim, go to the park, play with Barbies, GI Joes and Lincoln Logs, and pick plums from the neighbor’s trees. Our neighborhood was full of kids. We would pack our lunches and ride our bikes to “the Indian Trails” of upper Sherman Park. As a kid, it was a huge forest of trails where we built forts. It makes me smile every time I drive by it now and recognize what a little hill of trees it really is.

The neighborhood kids would race ten-speed bikes down the street to see who was the fastest. The summer before sixth grade I wiped out on my bike when I tried to stop on a patch of small rocks at the bottom of the street. Many rocks (pebbles really) were ground into my knee. It is a war wound of childhood that still exists and reminds me every year when I prepare myself for swimsuit and shorts season that summers are for play time.

What will your children do this summer? Have you given them time to play or is their summer already packed with camp after camp, summer school, enrichment programs, and summer sports teams? Time out!! Summer is for play time! Time to build tents in the backyard with old sheets and blankets, time to climb trees, play hide and seek, time to be outside without adult direction. And most importantly, summer is time for creative play.

We learned as kids to include everyone, how to fight with each other, and to resolve our own problems. We knew other parents would tell ours if we were out of line. We learned social skills and negotiation skills, but not because a parent intervened but because we were all we had for the summer.

The intention of parents today is to give their children every advantage they didn’t have. They spend more money on sports camps, enrichment activities, and other experiences than their own parents did. Kids today are over booked in sports and camps and adult planned play dates. Children do benefit from these activities too, but balance is the key. Back to back, non-stop activity, does not build character, it wears everyone out and robs children of the skills to know what to do with time off.

Give yourself and your kids a break this summer. Review what you have already signed your childen up for and ask yourself if you have allowed time for unscripted play time. If not, they are over booked and you will be too. Relax this summer. Play, read, rest and enjoy.


© 2008 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone LLC

Consequences Teach Responsibility

Sometimes the lessons have to be repeated!

My now teenage girls were having a “remember when” laughing fest after dinner last night with stories that started like this…
“Remember when Mom took away your Barbies because you were hitting me with them!”
“Yeah, remember when Mom put your recorder on top of the fridge because you wouldn’t stop playing it in the kitchen while she was on the phone.”
“Well, remember when Mom took you back to the drug store because you took that key chain she said you couldn’t buy?”
Their stories went on for nearly an hour with great laughter following each story. As I laughed with them, it became apparent that they really have learned there are consequences to their behaviors, I will follow through, they won’t like it, they will get over it, learn from it, and most often, laugh about it (years) later.

One example of consequences I have revolves around my children’s bedrooms. I don’t expect my children to keep their bedrooms neat and clean all the time. I have found as they mature they realize there is benefit to keeping it so. Today, James, my 8 year old son, discovered he didn’t have any clean pants for school, so he had to wear a pair he wore yesterday. He knows, if he doesn’t get his laundry to the laundry room, it doesn’t always get done. My daughters have learned it’s unlikely that I’ll start laundry for them after 10 PM so if they need something for the next day they better plan for it long before they go to bed. I’m not going to hound my kids daily to get their rooms cleaned, but if they want clean laundry, they have to get their dirty clothes off their bedroom floor and to the laundry room.

My daughters have discovered too, when they want a slumber party their bedroom has to be cleaned first, and I won’t ask if it is I expect it already is if they are asking. When James was planning a sleep over, the girls were quick to point out “You better get your room picked up, or Mom will cancel your sleep-over. We know. She’s done it.” They know they can’t have a friend spend the night if their room isn’t clean enough for their guest to sleep in it.

Logical consequences teach children the value of responsibility. Consequences have to fit the situation and the child. When a cell phone is misused, it is taken for a relevant amount of time. When curfew is broken, I don’t take the car away because that would impact my schedule, instead, extra errands are given or personal social events are limited. Teenagers discover the car they have is a privilege, and with it comes responsibility. When grades slip, TV and computer time are limited.

Your children will get over the momentary anger of their consequence, discover you mean what you say, and they will act differently given the situation again. (At least when they get over it they do, though some kids take a few repetitive rounds first.) And as my children grow, they really are realizing, though never in the moment of a negative consequence, there are benefits to being responsible. And I am no longer up doing laundry after 10 PM, unless it’s my own.

© 2008 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC