Christms Letter Time

Keeping the Christmas letter easy...

This time of year tends to send us moms into a frenzy of baking, decorating, shopping, wrapping, socializing, and the all-American tradition of writing the family Christmas letter. I’ve seen them written from the children’s perspective and the dog’s perspective. We receive a few every year that are a full blown newsletter complete with columns, headlines, pictures, and yes, several pages to review the perfection of each child. We even received one sized in a 3”x 8” book format. Hmmm. Not my style. I tend to see myself as a creative person, but really now, don’t we all have kids who we think are the greatest? And what do you do with those letters later?

As our kids get older, our experiences broaden, life happens and sometimes, I just don’t think it’s necessary to divulge all the ups and downs our family had for the year. Last year was one of those years. So instead of a full blown letter, I spent ten minutes and created a book mark size review of our family. I listed each family member, wrote three, one - three word bullet points about each one, wished everyone a joy-filled new year and sent them out with pictures. Funny thing was I received more feedback than I ever had in the past. Our friends told us it was amazing how we could condense our year down to three bullet points per family member but from that, they had a good overview of what happened in the Nelson household.

It was so quick and simple, that I’m doing it again this year. If you are finding you want to keep it simple, ask each family member to list three things they want to share about their year, and then, type it up and you’re done. I’d rather be eating frosted Christmas cookies and wrapping gifts than laboring over a Christmas letter! But I promise you, if you send me a long-winded Christmas letter, I will read it while I drink my eggnog.

Much joy in your day!
Anne

Chores for Children

A girlfriend of mine knew it was time for her kids to learn responsibility when her son commented that he did not have to clean up his bathroom, "that’s what the cleaning service was for." To her children's shock, that afternoon, she cancelled her cleaning service. Then she made a trip to the store with her children in tow to pick out their own cleaning buckets and supplies. Wise woman!

When we were in our early days of parenting, we questioned how much we expected from our kids around the house. David and I reviewed our responsibilities growing up and it included, but was not limited to, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, lawn mowing, taking out the trash, doing the laundry, and while on the farm, there were lots of outdoor chores to do too. Apparently our mothers knew what they were doing. My mother recently shared with me that she’ll never forget me calling home during my first week of college completely shocked at college students who had no table manners and no clue on how to wash their own laundry.

When our kids complained that they did not get paid to do dishes, fold laundry, or vacuum, we told them “That’s part of being a family. We all live here; we all need to help keep this home functioning.” When our children were old enough to carry their own plates from the dinner table to the kitchen counter, they were expected to. As they grew older and they could sort socks, they were expected to, and to put them away.

Dusting is an easy chore for little ones. Put white cotton gloves on them, spray on the Pledge and let them dust. It may not be done as well as if you did it, but they will learn and they will get better. With any chore given avoid criticism and avoid redoing what they did wrong or inadequately. Children have to be shown how to complete their chores. Loading a dishwasher may seem obvious to you, but your kids won’t instinctively know how or why you load it the way you do. Sometimes your husband doesn’t even get it!

Our children also discovered as they grew older, it was in their best interest to clean up their own bedrooms because if we did it, they could count on us throwing out something we deemed broken, old, or unnecessary that they would claim to have great significance in their life. I’m not a stickler for having a clean bedroom all the time, it’s their space, but, they do have to clean it out at least once a month. We find with our girls, the older they are, the more important it is to them to keep it clean. Funny how a clean room is directly tied to their social life!

Kids are not only capable of helping with chores around the house, but they need to help around the house. It’s a disservice to children not to expect them to do household chores. When they grow up and are out on their own, they need to know how to clean up after themselves. There have been a couple times when I was “out of commission” due to injuries which grounded me to my bedroom or a couch. The kids had to step up and do the chores, and they knew how to do it.

There was grumbling and mumbling when we really started enforcing family chores years ago. It’s a norm in our house now. They may not like it, but they know it’s not a negotiable expectation. In fact, now our kids are shocked by other children who say they don’t have to clear their dinner plates, or put away their own laundry, or help around the house.

In the kitchen last week my oldest asked me “How do you know how to do that? You always know how to get stains out of our clothes, how to make gravy, how to cook.” I learned it because my mother taught me and my parents expected me to help around the house. You learn by doing. Help your children start learning.

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Naïve No More

I’m a strong believer in positive thinking, getting what you focus on, and choosing not to see the negative in every situation. I do however, believe in awareness. Being an aware parent in particular. If you have pre-teens or teenagers, you can’t afford to be naive and unaware of what your teens may be exposed to. Teenagers need you to be aware of what is happening in their world.

Before my daughter entered high school a girlfriend and I were having lunch when she shared with me things to be aware of that happen in high schools. She proceeded to tell me farm parties are not about being in the country in a barn like the barn dance I held in ninth grade. Pharm parties are when kids get pharmaceutical drugs from their parents cupboards, their grandparents medications, their own Ritalin meds, and mix them all in a bowl. Then they take turns taking “shots” with pills, sometimes following with shots of alcohol. It’s Russian roulette and it’s unbelievable and scary as a parent to think kids would do it.

I asked a small group of sophomores if they knew what a pharm party was. They did, and then proceeded to tell me that kids don’t wait for party, they swap all kinds of medications right at school. Many brag about the fact that they are on Ritalin.

At breakfast with a friend whose daughter just entered junior high, I found myself telling her what Pharm parties and Dusting are. Dusting is when kids inhale from a can of compressed air, used to dust a computer keyboard, and it’s becoming the new drug of choice for the younger teens. It would never have occurred to me to inhale the contents of an aerosol can, but kids today are doing it. It’s equally as dangerous as mixing medications because the chemicals in the aerosol can give a euphoric feeling the first time, tempting a teen into doing it again; or it’ll result in brain damage, or worse, kill them the first time they do it.

When our children were little, as parents we shared ways to get permanent marker off the wall, which pre-school was the best, and where to get a good deal on diapers. As our children move into their teen years, it’s more important then ever to be in communication with other parents, active in their schools, and aware of our teens environments, influences, and friends.

As my daughters have grown into the teen years, we talk a lot, and often. When they want to talk, I drop everything and listen. It’s not always what I want to do when I have projects to finish, deadlines to meet, and a household to keep up with. But this is what parenting is. Usually the first 30 minutes is all small talk, then the real issues come up, and that’s when I have to tune in, forgo interrupting with judgment, listen, and then withhold my condescending parental lecture and focus on the teachable moment we have.

When you were in junior high or high school…
Were there drugs? Sure… but not pharmaceutical medications traded in the school hallway.
Was there alcohol? Of course…but we didn’t think to chase it with caffeine loaded energy drinks.
Was there sex? Yep…but not nearly as flippant and openly talked about; nor was it a social activity.
Were there fast cars? Oh yeah…but now more kids have their own and they are even faster.

Google high school pharm party and high school students dusting and you’ll find information that is alarming. The more you know as a parent, the better able you’ll be to ward off problems. Connect with other parents, learn what you can, become aware of what is influencing your teenager, and be prepared to talk and to listen. If you are a parent of a teenager, you can’t afford to be naïve.

© 2007 Anne Nelson Joy Zone, LLC

How far did you fall from the tree?

Are you becoming your mother?

When my daughter was in drivers ed. a police officer told stories of how often mothers caught speeding in the morning were in pajamas. As I put a sweatshirt over my night shirt and got into the car in my pajama pants and somewhat tame bed-head, I knew I better be careful on the road. Wearing my pajamas to take my son to school is one manner I didn’t get from my mother. While my mother did a lot of funny things, even embarrassing things, I don’t recall her driving us to school in pajamas.

There are many times though, especially lately, where I find myself pulling a “Jane.” Like when my daughter needed a black shawl for her show choir performance at church. I knew I had one, that was until an hour before she had to leave and I couldn’t find one anywhere. (I did find I have nine in other colors, but not a black one.) Like my mother, I went through my stash of sewing fabric, found some black fabric, cut it and surged the ends. With just minutes to spare, Karin left the house with a new shawl. My mother always seemed to find solutions.

When a friend died, instead of taking the typical food, casseroles and meat and cheese trays, over to the family’s home, I ordered decorated sugar cookies for the kids so they’d have something fun. As I dropped off the cookies I thought “now there’s a Jane moment.” She thinks of the little kids.

My all time favorite “I am my mother” moment though, is when I picked up the girls at a movie theater. There under the light pole against the building stood a teenage couple making out. (Do they call it that anymore?) In true “Jane” fashion, I informed the girls this behavior was completely unacceptable. Of course I gave the lecture to them about public display of affection as I pulled up along side the couple with the windows rolled down so my lecture could benefit them too, although I’m not sure they heard me. My mother did this when I was a teenager with my girlfriends along. We drove by a park where a couple lying on the ground were busy in a more-than-lip-locked-activity. Mom pulled up alongside the curb, rolled down the windows, and said something to the effect of “Look girls, that’s the way animals on the farm do it too.” I don’t remember her exact words, but I clearly remember the incident, and never did I dream I would have a similar opportunity to relive 20 years later. My mother knew how to capitalize on a teachable moment.

I have numerous incidents now where I realize “I am my mother.” At a women’s retreat the speaker, Dee Dee Raap, who happens to be a Joy Sparkler to me, had us all remembering and writing stories about our mothers. I could have written for hours. I’m fortunate to still have mine to guide me through the current stages of life with teenagers. Dee Dee says, “There are two groups of people, those who still have their mothers, and those who don’t.” If you fall into the second group, Dee Dee knows first hand what it’s like. She has a great book for you, “Dear Mom.” If you want to be able to look back and laugh and cry at your memories, even if your mom is still here, "Dear Mom" is a book to prompt those memories.

When my kids ask me “how did you know how to do that?” I often say, “I learned it from my mother.” I do credit my mother for the habit of losing Christmas gifts I’ve stashed and finding them months later too. When I’m a grandma, I’ll be like her too; buying a box of ice cream sandwiches because she was in the mood, eating two and driving over to our house to drop off the rest of the box for the grandkids. I think I’ll have one for breakfast. I wonder what our kids will do one day that will prompt them to think “I am my mother.”

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC