Wanna Be Like You

Rodney Atkins sings a song called “Watching You” and in it the lyrics remind us what our responsibility as a parent is to our children. We are to be role models. Our children grow up doing what they see us do because to them, what we do is normal, it’s all they know.

Yesterday I had a 45 minute fit of irritation. Other drivers were being stupid, the check out lady at the store was a chatter box beyond what I had time or patience for and I was late picking up my son at piano lessons. My daughter Ellen was with me for this 45 minute tirade. As we got into the car after our not-so-quick errand, I realized how unacceptable my behavior had just been. After I apologized to Ellen for my complaining and negative attitude, she threw some words back at me. “Yeah Mom, if it were us kids who were complaining like that, you’d of told us to focus on something else and get over it.” And she’s right. I would have done just that. Now it was my turn. Refocus, and get over it.

Sometimes as parents we have to acknowledge we don’t always do it all right. We do mess up. We have a responsibility to own up to our faults and to right our wrongs. If we don’t, our children will not grow up accepting ownership of their own destination or their own circumstances. If we fail to own our own faults, to work to fix them and apologize when necessary, then we can expect that our children will view their own faults and negative situations as the fault of someone else.

It’s work being a parent! We’re always “on stage” when it comes to being in the presence of our children. When you have one of those moments when you wish you had done it differently, when you know your behavior, your words, or your attitude was less than what you would expect from your children, take a deep breath, drop the superiority complex, and use the situation as a teachable moment with your child. Teach them to own their mistakes, to apologize when they’ve caused harm to another, and along with all of that, to forgive, and you do it by modeling the behavior.

When my son belts out Randy’s lyrics “…I’ve been watching you, ain’t that cool. I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you…” I am reminded, and yes, humbled at the responsibility I have to model for my children how to live.

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Family Traditions

The SD national holiday is coming up this weekend: Opening of Pheasant Hunting. Truly, it’s a BIG deal. Hunters and dogs literally fly in from all over the country for this one weekend. It seems like every store and gas station sells blaze orange hats and hunting licenses.

This year I was trying to think of a way to get out of going. It can be a hassle preparing; you never know what the weather will be, the day is exhausting, and I’ve got a mountain of things to do. But at the dinner table last night the kids were talking about all that they are looking forward to about the weekend and placing their orders for what they wanted for snack foods, bake goods, and sandwiches, and I realized why I do this every year. It’s tradition.

Tradition has value for children and families. Traditions provide roots, a foundation of love, belonging, memories, and stability. I don’t need a survey to know that traditions help keep families functioning together. The Nelson family has been spending the third weekend in October together now for over 40 years. I married into the tradition and our children know what a sacred weekend it is.

Every year we spend Friday baking, finding boots and coats to fit our growing kids, packing up the suburban, and making sure there’s film in the camera. Saturday brings a two hour drive to the farm, lunch, jokes, laughter, dogs running around, and the gun safety review. Every year we can count on the men telling each other why we should hunt where first. We all know who’s going to win out and that we’ll take the same path as we did last year. Every year the kids will climb the hay bales and play king of the mountain. We’ll take loads of pictures, and reminisce.

Our children learn values, ethics, conservation, and even their directions of north, south, east, and west. Some years we celebrate a new spouse, the arrival of new children, a teenager who passed their hunter safety course and can carry a gun. Other years we support each other through the life changes of loss; both family members and pets. The hunting weekend is a time where everyone belongs, everyone fits in. Family ties are made stronger.

The talk at the dinner table last night was a good reminder of the deeper value of the hunting tradition for our family. It is truly the best weekend of the year for bringing our focus to what’s important: our family.

Sleepless Nights of Parenthood

I vividly remember driving down Western Ave. toward 26th St. on my way to the pre-school with my two little girls in the back seat on a beautiful fall day. The radio was on and the announcer made the comment that the toddler years were just training for the teenage years. If parents of toddlers thought they weren’t sleeping now, they can bet they’ll sleep less when their kids become teens.

It’s becoming clear to me how right that announcer was. It’s two in the morning and I can’t sleep. My thoughts are flooded about my kids; what they’re doing this week in school, the changes their friendship circles have gone through, how different my girls are from each other, many memories of growing up. I couldn’t stop the flow of thoughts and finally, I just had to get out of bed and write.

You’ll get the short version tonight because I really do hope to fall asleep.

Karin was in the afternoon Kindergarten class with Mrs. Ziebell, a teacher she adored. One fall afternoon, when I dropped her off at school, a little late, after she got out of the car and I wished her a good day in school. She indignantly turned around stomped her foot, thrust her two fists at her sides and growled at me “It’s not okay to be late for Kindergarten Mom!” In a huff she turned around and ran into the building.

Here we are ten years later, and now she’s a strong-willed teen who still hates to be late for anything. Other mother’s joke about how she’s the mother hen of her friendship circles, the one who has to fix everything, makes all the plans, and can’t tell a lie no matter how hard she practices. But our recent trip to Minneapolis for the college fair reminded me how much she still needs us parents.

The three of us mothers were following our daughters into the coliseum. The girls were several paces ahead of us and very much in their own world. Becky commented “I don’t think these girls are going to need us here.”

I smiled and said “Oh, no, when Karin sees 23,000 students here she’s going to scream “MOMMY” and come running.” And almost on cue, as the girls rounded the corner to the entrance, Karin whipped around, “Mommy!” she screeched and came running at me.

It was such a funny moment, and yet, deep down, I was thinking, “she still needs me.”

Perhaps my mind is racing with memories of my kids tonight because my girlfriend called to tell me her first born just had her first born and she’s a grandma now. No matter how old your kids are, they need you. No matter how old they are, you’ll have sleepless nights. What ever point in life you are with your kids, they need you.

We weren’t put here as parents to mold our children, we are here to provide the loving and joyful environment that allows and enables them to grow into the people they are intended to be. Whether it’s your six year old or your 16 year old that calls out “Mommy!” know that you will always be needed.

That being said, I do wish you as many peaceful nights of rest you can nab. You never know exactly when you’ll be needed and it’ll be your turn to be up at night!

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

When Your First-born Picks a College

From picking out bed sheets to picking out a college, it’s all about color!

by Anne Nelson

Lately our mailbox has been flooded with marketing materials from universities and colleges. If you think fast food has maximized the “super-size it” strategy, you should see what colleges and universities are doing with marketing today. When I was in high school a letter or a tri-fold brochure was typical and if you were really interested, you requested a catalog.

Not now.

There are flashy, colorful, enticing marketing materials and not just one or two from a school, but super-sized to six or seven pieces from several of the schools in all kinds of shapes and sizes with fold outs and inserts. It’s no wonder college tuition is so high. The flood of mail started last February. Now it’s October, and our daughter is a junior in high school. This week starts the first of many college recruiters at school to visit with, and then city-wide college fairs, and travel days to colleges. She is actually given two days excused absence from school to visit college campuses. We are encouraged by school counselors and other parents to tour 8 – 10 universities, get a feeling for them, then revisit the 2 or 3 she’s most interested in. Wow! We can’t even seem to skip town for a weekend get-a-way for the two of us.

Did you go to college? How did you pick the school you attended? This was the topic of discussion at lunch with a group of moms. I listened to a couple moms share how their daughters picked their colleges based on the school colors. I’m flabbergasted – no way do bright, intelligent girls of this generation with unlimited career options, pick colleges by school colors!

How did we parents pick a university? We requested catalogs from everywhere that sounded like we’d be moving up and out, colleges with prestige and ranking. Then in the end, we went where the money was, if scholarships were there, that’s where we went. When Dad said “I’ll pay for a state university” I said thank you and just went. Done deal.

Not now.

After another talk at school about preparing for college our daughter came home to start investigating them online (Oh did I mention, we get non-stop emails from all these colleges too. Tip: set up a new email address just for schools to use when your student reaches this stage in life!) She started telling my husband and me what schools she was looking at. I asked her “How are you deciding on these schools? What criteria are you using?”

Her response, “First I look at states where we have family or close friends living in case I need a home-base to go to. Then I look up the schools in those states.” (Okay, she does need a sense of security. This is fair criteria to start with.)

“So why did you pick Aurora, IL?”

“Oh, because the Nabs live in IL (I’m thinking this is wise.) and Aurora is one of the Disney princesses I liked. (Oh no, you can’t be serious!) I like their colors royal blue, white, and gold.” At this response my husband tuned in to the conversation. With a tone of utter disbelief he chokes, “You picked a school based on a princess? And school colors?”

“Yah I don’t look good in orange or black, so I can’t go to a school with those colors and I can’t wear gold and maroon because those are our big rivals.”

This can’t be happening. My bright, intelligent, level-headed teenage daughter is choosing her college the way a young child chooses bed sheets; based on a princess and pretty colors. I took a deep breath at this point. My husband grabbed his laptop and started surfing the net for universities, with a completely different set of criteria. I grabbed my laptop and suggested we make a list of criteria so we could sort out schools. Let’s think about majors, advanced degree options, tuition, campus size, location…

This is the phase of life we’re in. It’s fun, entertaining, eye-opening, and even gut-wrenching at times. But I’ll thank God every day that this kid, this bright, intelligent kid is mine. And one day, because of the education she gets at a campus with good school colors, she’ll make a difference in the world, in her own way.

Are you at this stage too? I’ll soon be posting a link to a great tracking form to help you keep it all straight so make it a point to check back soon!


© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC