Eliminate the “Counting of the Gifts” with this Gift Wrapping Tradition

Martha Stewart doesn’t wrap my gifts, does she do yours? I used to labor over wrapping every gift with the perfect bow and the right ribbons. Martha would have been proud. I’ll admit I was pretty proud of how beautiful my gifts looked under the Christmas tree. Then along came kids, and the annual shaking and counting of the gifts. The beauty of their packages was completely overshadowed by the number of gifts, and the “contents guessing game.”

To keep the kids from comparing who had the most gifts, by leaving off the tags, sparked a fun tradition our kids look forward to every year. Gifts without a tag was a way to keep the kids guessing and provide entertainment as they tried to reason why they knew certain gifts were for them. And frankly, I could wrap them all up in less time if I didn’t bother with all the extra fluff that made the package look like it came out of the “Martha Stewart Living” magazine. In small print on the back of each, I numbered them all. Then Christmas morning, the kids had to find the numbers and I revealed which numbers corresponded to each family member.

Over the years I’ve used a variety of ways to distinguish whose gifts belonged to whom. Different bows or different wrapping paper were simple ways I kept them guessing. One year I went a step further than a separate paper for each child and used a variety of papers with a distinguishing theme for each one. Another year, I used letters written on the bottom of the gift; A was for Karin, B was for David, C was for James, and D was for Ellen. Not wanting them to think the A, B, C, D corresponded to their birth order, I mixed it up to keep them in a state of wonder.

Because the kids made such a big deal about this tradition at dinner one night, this year, I felt I really had to do something new. The labels on the packages are without names again, but this time, they have to figure out what’s the theme of the labels. Some labels have a snowman, or a tree, or a Santa and each corresponds to a different person. All the gifts are wrapped in different papers. Since my girls don’t read my blog I figured I’m safe in revealing this year’s code. Who knows what I’ll come up with next year? If you have a fun idea, share it with me and feel free to borrow our tradition.

Maybe one day, I’ll have beautifully wrapped packages that beg to be photographed for Martha’s magazine. For the time being they’ll be wrapped and labeled in a manner that generates a greater sense of curiosity and a lot of fun.

Enjoy gift giving this year!
Anne

Tip for traveling with gifts:
Do you have to travel to different locations for Christmas for both sides of your family? When we do this, I use two different papers to wrap all the gifts for David’s family, and then two other papers for my side of the family. Since we put up more than one tree, we put all the Nelson’s gifts under one tree, and all the Wick’s gifts under the other. When it’s time to leave, we know by the paper or the tree they’re under, which gifts to pack up and take with us and this way, no gifts are left behind. Except of course for the gifts that are stashed in a place I wouldn’t forget about but have now forgotten and won’t find until the 4th of July.

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Christms Letter Time

Keeping the Christmas letter easy...

This time of year tends to send us moms into a frenzy of baking, decorating, shopping, wrapping, socializing, and the all-American tradition of writing the family Christmas letter. I’ve seen them written from the children’s perspective and the dog’s perspective. We receive a few every year that are a full blown newsletter complete with columns, headlines, pictures, and yes, several pages to review the perfection of each child. We even received one sized in a 3”x 8” book format. Hmmm. Not my style. I tend to see myself as a creative person, but really now, don’t we all have kids who we think are the greatest? And what do you do with those letters later?

As our kids get older, our experiences broaden, life happens and sometimes, I just don’t think it’s necessary to divulge all the ups and downs our family had for the year. Last year was one of those years. So instead of a full blown letter, I spent ten minutes and created a book mark size review of our family. I listed each family member, wrote three, one - three word bullet points about each one, wished everyone a joy-filled new year and sent them out with pictures. Funny thing was I received more feedback than I ever had in the past. Our friends told us it was amazing how we could condense our year down to three bullet points per family member but from that, they had a good overview of what happened in the Nelson household.

It was so quick and simple, that I’m doing it again this year. If you are finding you want to keep it simple, ask each family member to list three things they want to share about their year, and then, type it up and you’re done. I’d rather be eating frosted Christmas cookies and wrapping gifts than laboring over a Christmas letter! But I promise you, if you send me a long-winded Christmas letter, I will read it while I drink my eggnog.

Much joy in your day!
Anne

Chores for Children

A girlfriend of mine knew it was time for her kids to learn responsibility when her son commented that he did not have to clean up his bathroom, "that’s what the cleaning service was for." To her children's shock, that afternoon, she cancelled her cleaning service. Then she made a trip to the store with her children in tow to pick out their own cleaning buckets and supplies. Wise woman!

When we were in our early days of parenting, we questioned how much we expected from our kids around the house. David and I reviewed our responsibilities growing up and it included, but was not limited to, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, lawn mowing, taking out the trash, doing the laundry, and while on the farm, there were lots of outdoor chores to do too. Apparently our mothers knew what they were doing. My mother recently shared with me that she’ll never forget me calling home during my first week of college completely shocked at college students who had no table manners and no clue on how to wash their own laundry.

When our kids complained that they did not get paid to do dishes, fold laundry, or vacuum, we told them “That’s part of being a family. We all live here; we all need to help keep this home functioning.” When our children were old enough to carry their own plates from the dinner table to the kitchen counter, they were expected to. As they grew older and they could sort socks, they were expected to, and to put them away.

Dusting is an easy chore for little ones. Put white cotton gloves on them, spray on the Pledge and let them dust. It may not be done as well as if you did it, but they will learn and they will get better. With any chore given avoid criticism and avoid redoing what they did wrong or inadequately. Children have to be shown how to complete their chores. Loading a dishwasher may seem obvious to you, but your kids won’t instinctively know how or why you load it the way you do. Sometimes your husband doesn’t even get it!

Our children also discovered as they grew older, it was in their best interest to clean up their own bedrooms because if we did it, they could count on us throwing out something we deemed broken, old, or unnecessary that they would claim to have great significance in their life. I’m not a stickler for having a clean bedroom all the time, it’s their space, but, they do have to clean it out at least once a month. We find with our girls, the older they are, the more important it is to them to keep it clean. Funny how a clean room is directly tied to their social life!

Kids are not only capable of helping with chores around the house, but they need to help around the house. It’s a disservice to children not to expect them to do household chores. When they grow up and are out on their own, they need to know how to clean up after themselves. There have been a couple times when I was “out of commission” due to injuries which grounded me to my bedroom or a couch. The kids had to step up and do the chores, and they knew how to do it.

There was grumbling and mumbling when we really started enforcing family chores years ago. It’s a norm in our house now. They may not like it, but they know it’s not a negotiable expectation. In fact, now our kids are shocked by other children who say they don’t have to clear their dinner plates, or put away their own laundry, or help around the house.

In the kitchen last week my oldest asked me “How do you know how to do that? You always know how to get stains out of our clothes, how to make gravy, how to cook.” I learned it because my mother taught me and my parents expected me to help around the house. You learn by doing. Help your children start learning.

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Naïve No More

I’m a strong believer in positive thinking, getting what you focus on, and choosing not to see the negative in every situation. I do however, believe in awareness. Being an aware parent in particular. If you have pre-teens or teenagers, you can’t afford to be naive and unaware of what your teens may be exposed to. Teenagers need you to be aware of what is happening in their world.

Before my daughter entered high school a girlfriend and I were having lunch when she shared with me things to be aware of that happen in high schools. She proceeded to tell me farm parties are not about being in the country in a barn like the barn dance I held in ninth grade. Pharm parties are when kids get pharmaceutical drugs from their parents cupboards, their grandparents medications, their own Ritalin meds, and mix them all in a bowl. Then they take turns taking “shots” with pills, sometimes following with shots of alcohol. It’s Russian roulette and it’s unbelievable and scary as a parent to think kids would do it.

I asked a small group of sophomores if they knew what a pharm party was. They did, and then proceeded to tell me that kids don’t wait for party, they swap all kinds of medications right at school. Many brag about the fact that they are on Ritalin.

At breakfast with a friend whose daughter just entered junior high, I found myself telling her what Pharm parties and Dusting are. Dusting is when kids inhale from a can of compressed air, used to dust a computer keyboard, and it’s becoming the new drug of choice for the younger teens. It would never have occurred to me to inhale the contents of an aerosol can, but kids today are doing it. It’s equally as dangerous as mixing medications because the chemicals in the aerosol can give a euphoric feeling the first time, tempting a teen into doing it again; or it’ll result in brain damage, or worse, kill them the first time they do it.

When our children were little, as parents we shared ways to get permanent marker off the wall, which pre-school was the best, and where to get a good deal on diapers. As our children move into their teen years, it’s more important then ever to be in communication with other parents, active in their schools, and aware of our teens environments, influences, and friends.

As my daughters have grown into the teen years, we talk a lot, and often. When they want to talk, I drop everything and listen. It’s not always what I want to do when I have projects to finish, deadlines to meet, and a household to keep up with. But this is what parenting is. Usually the first 30 minutes is all small talk, then the real issues come up, and that’s when I have to tune in, forgo interrupting with judgment, listen, and then withhold my condescending parental lecture and focus on the teachable moment we have.

When you were in junior high or high school…
Were there drugs? Sure… but not pharmaceutical medications traded in the school hallway.
Was there alcohol? Of course…but we didn’t think to chase it with caffeine loaded energy drinks.
Was there sex? Yep…but not nearly as flippant and openly talked about; nor was it a social activity.
Were there fast cars? Oh yeah…but now more kids have their own and they are even faster.

Google high school pharm party and high school students dusting and you’ll find information that is alarming. The more you know as a parent, the better able you’ll be to ward off problems. Connect with other parents, learn what you can, become aware of what is influencing your teenager, and be prepared to talk and to listen. If you are a parent of a teenager, you can’t afford to be naïve.

© 2007 Anne Nelson Joy Zone, LLC

How far did you fall from the tree?

Are you becoming your mother?

When my daughter was in drivers ed. a police officer told stories of how often mothers caught speeding in the morning were in pajamas. As I put a sweatshirt over my night shirt and got into the car in my pajama pants and somewhat tame bed-head, I knew I better be careful on the road. Wearing my pajamas to take my son to school is one manner I didn’t get from my mother. While my mother did a lot of funny things, even embarrassing things, I don’t recall her driving us to school in pajamas.

There are many times though, especially lately, where I find myself pulling a “Jane.” Like when my daughter needed a black shawl for her show choir performance at church. I knew I had one, that was until an hour before she had to leave and I couldn’t find one anywhere. (I did find I have nine in other colors, but not a black one.) Like my mother, I went through my stash of sewing fabric, found some black fabric, cut it and surged the ends. With just minutes to spare, Karin left the house with a new shawl. My mother always seemed to find solutions.

When a friend died, instead of taking the typical food, casseroles and meat and cheese trays, over to the family’s home, I ordered decorated sugar cookies for the kids so they’d have something fun. As I dropped off the cookies I thought “now there’s a Jane moment.” She thinks of the little kids.

My all time favorite “I am my mother” moment though, is when I picked up the girls at a movie theater. There under the light pole against the building stood a teenage couple making out. (Do they call it that anymore?) In true “Jane” fashion, I informed the girls this behavior was completely unacceptable. Of course I gave the lecture to them about public display of affection as I pulled up along side the couple with the windows rolled down so my lecture could benefit them too, although I’m not sure they heard me. My mother did this when I was a teenager with my girlfriends along. We drove by a park where a couple lying on the ground were busy in a more-than-lip-locked-activity. Mom pulled up alongside the curb, rolled down the windows, and said something to the effect of “Look girls, that’s the way animals on the farm do it too.” I don’t remember her exact words, but I clearly remember the incident, and never did I dream I would have a similar opportunity to relive 20 years later. My mother knew how to capitalize on a teachable moment.

I have numerous incidents now where I realize “I am my mother.” At a women’s retreat the speaker, Dee Dee Raap, who happens to be a Joy Sparkler to me, had us all remembering and writing stories about our mothers. I could have written for hours. I’m fortunate to still have mine to guide me through the current stages of life with teenagers. Dee Dee says, “There are two groups of people, those who still have their mothers, and those who don’t.” If you fall into the second group, Dee Dee knows first hand what it’s like. She has a great book for you, “Dear Mom.” If you want to be able to look back and laugh and cry at your memories, even if your mom is still here, "Dear Mom" is a book to prompt those memories.

When my kids ask me “how did you know how to do that?” I often say, “I learned it from my mother.” I do credit my mother for the habit of losing Christmas gifts I’ve stashed and finding them months later too. When I’m a grandma, I’ll be like her too; buying a box of ice cream sandwiches because she was in the mood, eating two and driving over to our house to drop off the rest of the box for the grandkids. I think I’ll have one for breakfast. I wonder what our kids will do one day that will prompt them to think “I am my mother.”

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Wanna Be Like You

Rodney Atkins sings a song called “Watching You” and in it the lyrics remind us what our responsibility as a parent is to our children. We are to be role models. Our children grow up doing what they see us do because to them, what we do is normal, it’s all they know.

Yesterday I had a 45 minute fit of irritation. Other drivers were being stupid, the check out lady at the store was a chatter box beyond what I had time or patience for and I was late picking up my son at piano lessons. My daughter Ellen was with me for this 45 minute tirade. As we got into the car after our not-so-quick errand, I realized how unacceptable my behavior had just been. After I apologized to Ellen for my complaining and negative attitude, she threw some words back at me. “Yeah Mom, if it were us kids who were complaining like that, you’d of told us to focus on something else and get over it.” And she’s right. I would have done just that. Now it was my turn. Refocus, and get over it.

Sometimes as parents we have to acknowledge we don’t always do it all right. We do mess up. We have a responsibility to own up to our faults and to right our wrongs. If we don’t, our children will not grow up accepting ownership of their own destination or their own circumstances. If we fail to own our own faults, to work to fix them and apologize when necessary, then we can expect that our children will view their own faults and negative situations as the fault of someone else.

It’s work being a parent! We’re always “on stage” when it comes to being in the presence of our children. When you have one of those moments when you wish you had done it differently, when you know your behavior, your words, or your attitude was less than what you would expect from your children, take a deep breath, drop the superiority complex, and use the situation as a teachable moment with your child. Teach them to own their mistakes, to apologize when they’ve caused harm to another, and along with all of that, to forgive, and you do it by modeling the behavior.

When my son belts out Randy’s lyrics “…I’ve been watching you, ain’t that cool. I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you…” I am reminded, and yes, humbled at the responsibility I have to model for my children how to live.

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

Family Traditions

The SD national holiday is coming up this weekend: Opening of Pheasant Hunting. Truly, it’s a BIG deal. Hunters and dogs literally fly in from all over the country for this one weekend. It seems like every store and gas station sells blaze orange hats and hunting licenses.

This year I was trying to think of a way to get out of going. It can be a hassle preparing; you never know what the weather will be, the day is exhausting, and I’ve got a mountain of things to do. But at the dinner table last night the kids were talking about all that they are looking forward to about the weekend and placing their orders for what they wanted for snack foods, bake goods, and sandwiches, and I realized why I do this every year. It’s tradition.

Tradition has value for children and families. Traditions provide roots, a foundation of love, belonging, memories, and stability. I don’t need a survey to know that traditions help keep families functioning together. The Nelson family has been spending the third weekend in October together now for over 40 years. I married into the tradition and our children know what a sacred weekend it is.

Every year we spend Friday baking, finding boots and coats to fit our growing kids, packing up the suburban, and making sure there’s film in the camera. Saturday brings a two hour drive to the farm, lunch, jokes, laughter, dogs running around, and the gun safety review. Every year we can count on the men telling each other why we should hunt where first. We all know who’s going to win out and that we’ll take the same path as we did last year. Every year the kids will climb the hay bales and play king of the mountain. We’ll take loads of pictures, and reminisce.

Our children learn values, ethics, conservation, and even their directions of north, south, east, and west. Some years we celebrate a new spouse, the arrival of new children, a teenager who passed their hunter safety course and can carry a gun. Other years we support each other through the life changes of loss; both family members and pets. The hunting weekend is a time where everyone belongs, everyone fits in. Family ties are made stronger.

The talk at the dinner table last night was a good reminder of the deeper value of the hunting tradition for our family. It is truly the best weekend of the year for bringing our focus to what’s important: our family.

Sleepless Nights of Parenthood

I vividly remember driving down Western Ave. toward 26th St. on my way to the pre-school with my two little girls in the back seat on a beautiful fall day. The radio was on and the announcer made the comment that the toddler years were just training for the teenage years. If parents of toddlers thought they weren’t sleeping now, they can bet they’ll sleep less when their kids become teens.

It’s becoming clear to me how right that announcer was. It’s two in the morning and I can’t sleep. My thoughts are flooded about my kids; what they’re doing this week in school, the changes their friendship circles have gone through, how different my girls are from each other, many memories of growing up. I couldn’t stop the flow of thoughts and finally, I just had to get out of bed and write.

You’ll get the short version tonight because I really do hope to fall asleep.

Karin was in the afternoon Kindergarten class with Mrs. Ziebell, a teacher she adored. One fall afternoon, when I dropped her off at school, a little late, after she got out of the car and I wished her a good day in school. She indignantly turned around stomped her foot, thrust her two fists at her sides and growled at me “It’s not okay to be late for Kindergarten Mom!” In a huff she turned around and ran into the building.

Here we are ten years later, and now she’s a strong-willed teen who still hates to be late for anything. Other mother’s joke about how she’s the mother hen of her friendship circles, the one who has to fix everything, makes all the plans, and can’t tell a lie no matter how hard she practices. But our recent trip to Minneapolis for the college fair reminded me how much she still needs us parents.

The three of us mothers were following our daughters into the coliseum. The girls were several paces ahead of us and very much in their own world. Becky commented “I don’t think these girls are going to need us here.”

I smiled and said “Oh, no, when Karin sees 23,000 students here she’s going to scream “MOMMY” and come running.” And almost on cue, as the girls rounded the corner to the entrance, Karin whipped around, “Mommy!” she screeched and came running at me.

It was such a funny moment, and yet, deep down, I was thinking, “she still needs me.”

Perhaps my mind is racing with memories of my kids tonight because my girlfriend called to tell me her first born just had her first born and she’s a grandma now. No matter how old your kids are, they need you. No matter how old they are, you’ll have sleepless nights. What ever point in life you are with your kids, they need you.

We weren’t put here as parents to mold our children, we are here to provide the loving and joyful environment that allows and enables them to grow into the people they are intended to be. Whether it’s your six year old or your 16 year old that calls out “Mommy!” know that you will always be needed.

That being said, I do wish you as many peaceful nights of rest you can nab. You never know exactly when you’ll be needed and it’ll be your turn to be up at night!

© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC

When Your First-born Picks a College

From picking out bed sheets to picking out a college, it’s all about color!

by Anne Nelson

Lately our mailbox has been flooded with marketing materials from universities and colleges. If you think fast food has maximized the “super-size it” strategy, you should see what colleges and universities are doing with marketing today. When I was in high school a letter or a tri-fold brochure was typical and if you were really interested, you requested a catalog.

Not now.

There are flashy, colorful, enticing marketing materials and not just one or two from a school, but super-sized to six or seven pieces from several of the schools in all kinds of shapes and sizes with fold outs and inserts. It’s no wonder college tuition is so high. The flood of mail started last February. Now it’s October, and our daughter is a junior in high school. This week starts the first of many college recruiters at school to visit with, and then city-wide college fairs, and travel days to colleges. She is actually given two days excused absence from school to visit college campuses. We are encouraged by school counselors and other parents to tour 8 – 10 universities, get a feeling for them, then revisit the 2 or 3 she’s most interested in. Wow! We can’t even seem to skip town for a weekend get-a-way for the two of us.

Did you go to college? How did you pick the school you attended? This was the topic of discussion at lunch with a group of moms. I listened to a couple moms share how their daughters picked their colleges based on the school colors. I’m flabbergasted – no way do bright, intelligent girls of this generation with unlimited career options, pick colleges by school colors!

How did we parents pick a university? We requested catalogs from everywhere that sounded like we’d be moving up and out, colleges with prestige and ranking. Then in the end, we went where the money was, if scholarships were there, that’s where we went. When Dad said “I’ll pay for a state university” I said thank you and just went. Done deal.

Not now.

After another talk at school about preparing for college our daughter came home to start investigating them online (Oh did I mention, we get non-stop emails from all these colleges too. Tip: set up a new email address just for schools to use when your student reaches this stage in life!) She started telling my husband and me what schools she was looking at. I asked her “How are you deciding on these schools? What criteria are you using?”

Her response, “First I look at states where we have family or close friends living in case I need a home-base to go to. Then I look up the schools in those states.” (Okay, she does need a sense of security. This is fair criteria to start with.)

“So why did you pick Aurora, IL?”

“Oh, because the Nabs live in IL (I’m thinking this is wise.) and Aurora is one of the Disney princesses I liked. (Oh no, you can’t be serious!) I like their colors royal blue, white, and gold.” At this response my husband tuned in to the conversation. With a tone of utter disbelief he chokes, “You picked a school based on a princess? And school colors?”

“Yah I don’t look good in orange or black, so I can’t go to a school with those colors and I can’t wear gold and maroon because those are our big rivals.”

This can’t be happening. My bright, intelligent, level-headed teenage daughter is choosing her college the way a young child chooses bed sheets; based on a princess and pretty colors. I took a deep breath at this point. My husband grabbed his laptop and started surfing the net for universities, with a completely different set of criteria. I grabbed my laptop and suggested we make a list of criteria so we could sort out schools. Let’s think about majors, advanced degree options, tuition, campus size, location…

This is the phase of life we’re in. It’s fun, entertaining, eye-opening, and even gut-wrenching at times. But I’ll thank God every day that this kid, this bright, intelligent kid is mine. And one day, because of the education she gets at a campus with good school colors, she’ll make a difference in the world, in her own way.

Are you at this stage too? I’ll soon be posting a link to a great tracking form to help you keep it all straight so make it a point to check back soon!


© 2007 Anne Nelson, Joy Zone, LLC